Our Experts
managing change—February 2009
by Jennifer Conaway, CTACC, CCP | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles
Find Your Fans - Part2
By Jennifer Conaway, CTACC, CCP
Building a base of support, or Fan Club, is important for all
of us. This support can be particularly helpful during a transition.
While you strive to surround yourself with support people, you sometimes
find individuals who are not willing to support your new direction.
(If you missed the first part of this article please see Jan.
2009.)
While you can find support in surprising places, there are times when
you must stop communicating with someone or put boundaries around your
communication with that person. It can be very destructive to have someone
in your life that does not support changes you're trying to make or
who tries to undermine your activities. I want to be very clear, I would
expect that even your fiercest supporters may disagree with some of
your actions and should provide an opinion when it is asked for. However,
there may be others whose general attitude around what you're trying
to do or the direction you're going is negative, providing no support.
The best way to describe this behavior and one potential way to work
through it is by example…
When I was going through my divorce I was faced with making many difficult
decisions. One of the most difficult was choosing to stop communicating
with a friend. She was a close friend of mine and my, soon to be, ex-husbands
before the marriage. While she didn’t choose sides during the divorce
she made it very clear that she believed we were making a mistake. She
didn’t have all of the details of the divorce and continually commented
that we should try counseling, again, try this, again, try that… on
and on. After the divorce was final she would drop comments about how
she wished we would get back together, and wouldn’t we be happier with
each other rather than apart.
I was fighting depression and trying to get my life back on track. I
noticed that I always felt worse after spending time with her. In essence,
I took two steps back instead of moving forward. When I asked for support
or simply a sympathetic ear she was constantly going back to the idea
of my ex-husband and I getting back together. Something he and I did
not want to do!
I wanted to keep my old friend and decided to speak with her about how
best to support me. I tried to be gentle, letting her know that I valued
her friendship and needed her to support where I was today- not where
she wanted me to be or where I had been months ago. For a while she
did exactly that, her support was wonderful. After a few weeks she was
back in the same old pattern. I finally had to make the painful decision
to stop speaking with her.
I was honest and explained exactly why I could no longer spend time
with her. She was hurt and reacted out of confusion and anger. We didn‘t
speak for about 2 (two) years. When we finally spoke again she expressed
an understanding of why I needed to step away from her. She understood
that I needed to take care of myself, to heal myself and by clinging
to the past she was irritating a wound that I was trying to heal.
We have been able to repair the friendship and are again close friends.
She is a central figure in my Fan Club. When you are surrounding yourself
with people who support you it doesn’t always end this way. The loss
of a friend is painful but may be the best possible outcome at that
time. I encourage you to never close the door completely, allow the
possibility that the person may once again come in to your life in a
positive way.
Another example of managing the support you receive comes from a client.
She had a disagreement with her sister about the way she was handling
a change in the family living arrangements. She didn’t want to cut off
communication with her sister. Instead, they created boundaries around
their communication. This required both parties to work together to
create a solution that respected the other person’s opinions and decisions
while allowing them to support one another in a different way. Their
relationship has blossomed and they are, in general, more supportive
than ever of one other. The decision they made was based on respect
and communication, essentials in any relationship.
Lack of support during a transition can leave you feeling lost and alone,
can increase your stress, may cause you to question decisions already
made and may deprive you of objective input that will help in your process.
To successfully navigate a transition you must do what is best for you
and that means finding all of the positive support you can.
I've found that over time my base of support shifts. Some people are
in my life for a short period of time providing a specific kind of support,
just when I need it. Other individuals remain in my life providing long-term
support and friendship. Both kinds of support are important.
I never expected to find lasting support from people I barely knew.
Finding your Fan Club doesn’t mean just people who are very close to
you. Open up your idea of support to include anyone who is willing to
share advice, emotional support or even a kind word. Remember how wonderful
it feels when you share a few kind words? Let others share that with
you! It's amazing the power encouragement and positive expectation have
when coming from a relatively obscure source. Cherish and acknowledge
both sources of support- those close to you and those new to you- and
they will continually appear just when you need them.
Next month I’ll delve into the importance of identifying opportunities
in any transition.
by Jennifer Conaway, CTACC, CCP | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles
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