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Our ExpertsThe Aware Parent—August 2008by Wendy Mann, BS | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles Getting Started With the Aware Parent: emotionally preparing for parentingI had a friend recently say to me, quite emphatically, that not every person thinking about becoming a parent needed relationship therapy or some sort of deep self-study. Of course I beg to differ! This friend’s comment made me realize that this attitude is all too common and needs a thoughtful reply. The below quote expresses the importance of such self examination: “Parenting forms children’s core beliefs about themselves. Nothing could be more important. The future of the world depends on our children’s conception of themselves. All their choices depend on their view of themselves…There is a crisis in the family today. It has to do with our parenting rules and the multigenerational process by which families perpetuate these rules.” John Bradshaw Our children’s choices - how they will interact with other people; how they will treat fellow humans, animals, property and the earth; how they will make policies in positions of power; how they will handle power; and how they will contribute to community and beyond – evolve and manifest based on how they were parented. Parents are responsible guiding children that will either change the direction of the world in positive, conscious and aware ways or contribute in negative, judgmental, unconscious ways. Parenting is a very serious and sacred calling for all. How we support children in changing the world in positive, aware, and conscious ways is directly related to the examination of our development and how we express ourselves in the world. It is our deepest responsibility to examine where we need to heal unhealthy patterns (rules) so as to not pass them down to our children. I also hold out that every adult has places in their childhood that need some form of healing even in the “best of families” and parenting circumstances. In my own experience, one of my deepest wounds from childhood was my voice being stifled. Although, I had deeply devoted parents who I adored and loved greatly and loved me greatly and provided me with an amazing childhood they did parent from a traditional and fairly authoritative approach. I often heard from my Dad that “children where to be seen and not heard”. Well, that pretty much explains it. I navigated most of my young adult life struggling to find my voice, struggling to speak up, struggling to say “no” and struggling to empower myself through having my voice. I am still healing this wound. One of the gifts of unearthing this wound and deeply working on the healing surrounding it before I conceived my daughter was that she has been parented from a place of healing. I have fostered the empowerment of her voice rather than repeating the parenting I received. She has since birth had great clarity, understanding, and support of her own self-expression. I am amazed and blessed at how she has always spoken up for her needs and wishes. She is able to tell adults how she feels and when they are being disrespectful towards her. She tells her friends when they hurt her feelings and then she encourages them to share how they feel. She tells me when I am being unfair to her and when I get it right and she knows how to say “no”. She has had her voice since she began to speak and now, almost ten years old, speaks with resolve, clarity, and love. I was able to break a multigenerational pattern of “children are to be seen and not heard”. I broke the pattern of my parents not allowing me to speak up for myself and have my voice by healing that wound and offering my daughter a completely different and healthier way of parenting. She in turn will support her children, if she chooses to become a parent, in having their voice. All patterns reinforce themselves, but positive ones are easier to accept and support. That is the power of changing unhealthy, unconscious, multigenerational rules/patterns. You can change the course of unconsciousness negativity by engaging in conscious process about becoming a parent. The responsibility of all parents and potential parents is to create healthier approaches to parenting for all of our children. As I mentioned in my first column, children will surface wounds that need healing and re-stimulate patterns that need altering. This will also happen with your partner. I highly recommend the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD to explore in depth how the ways in which you were parented affects all of your relationships and your parenting. Another great book is Creating Love by John Bradshaw. One of my favorite quotes is below: “The most spontaneous reactions to your children (and partners) will often be echoes of messages you heard from your own source figures (parents/caregivers).Their voices function like post-hypnotic trance messages. We tend to shame our children the way we were shamed. And you can shame them using the most up-to-date psychological techniques.” I invite you to begin to take an honest personal inventory of your childhood. Begin to ponder how you were spoken to, held or not held, criticized or supported by your parents or primary caregivers. Open your pre-birth journal and let your revelations begin to flow onto the pages. To deepen this exercises here are a few more questions to explore:
When you begin writing the messages that come to you through this process allow all of them to flow freely. Journal specific images that appear to you … memories that flood your soul and feelings/emotions that well up deep from your psyche. If you begin to feel a strong re-stimulation to a specific question it may indicate that you are repressing a truth. Stay with the sensation and allow the deepest truth to reveal itself to you…that is where the healing shift will take place. Begin to ponder how your answers to these questions may shape your parenting. Write down what is revealed to you. Be gentle with yourself and also realize that if there is not a particularly strong response to a question it just may be irrelevant in your life or may have already been healed. Understanding your own personal growth and the genesis of wounds in your life and how to heal unhealthy patterns is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your partner and definitely your child. We are all responsible for supporting each other in our healing and in turn we begin to heal our children and our world. Much love and support, by Wendy Mann, BS | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles Disclaimer: The information in my column is not intended to be a substitute for parents’ own, best judgment or a substitute for medical opinion and treatment.
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