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The Aware Parent—June 2008

by Wendy Mann, BS | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles

Getting Started With the Aware Parent: Pre-Conception

Welcome to the birth of my new column, “The Aware Parent”. I am so excited to share in the journey of parenting with all of you! I want to offer you a unique, non‑traditional, natural, conscious, and spiritual approach to parenting.

The column will include:

my work as a certified aware parenting instructor and emotional release guide
the work and wisdom of spiritual teachers , birth psychologists, and developmental psychologists
real life stories
radically honest questions and perspectives
common sense solutions
some thought provoking poetry and quotes

Guiding children into adulthood is a journey that requires each member of the tribe. We are all responsible and connected to all children and each other. So, I invite you to share in a conscious exchange of information as we walk our parenting path together.

My focus in the first few articles will center on the foundational years of babies and children. This includes the pre‑conception and pre‑adoption time to approximately eight years of age. This time is often viewed as loosely connected to adult development. However, these foundational years influence and grow children into the adults we become in the landscape of our world. This time period is deeply important for parent‑child bonding and transformation. Many of the lessons you share with your child during this time of life will shape them into the adults they will become and how they will choose to engage life and each other. You will become you child’s first guru. This time should be taken very seriously, “For in the baby lies the future of the world…” (Mayan Proverb).

In our culture it seems to be the norm to move into parenthood without being and feeling fully prepared. I often hear parents ask the question repeatedly, “Why didn't anyone tell me it would be this way?" Or they will say, "I had no idea what I was getting into!" I have even been sitting among groups of parents while they jokingly talk about how much they "practiced" on their first child, as if it was okay to experiment with the first in the hopes of making a better opportunity for the second. Aware parenting proposes that we stop "practicing" on our first babies and begin self‑exploration and readiness before we invite beautiful little beings into our lives. Parenting is sacred; therefore a child requires much forethought and respect.

I would like to begin this series by addressing potential parents first. I want to present some questions and thoughts for this group to ponder. These questions should evoke a deep self‑study of where you are in life and what needs to happen to welcome a child into your life with as much readiness as possible.

Why do I want to become a parent?
I know, this one seems all too simple. I am asking you to go beyond the automatic answers: “I love children” or “its time in our relationship to have a child” or “a baby will “save” our partnership” or “my biological clock is ticking”. Dive deep into your core of “why”. Then begin to authentically evaluate your core, your partnership, your life, and the stability and centeredness of your life to bring a child into that space.
How having a child will affect my lifestyle?
Have you played enough in life as a person without children to be able to be at peace being present with your child at home? What areas of your life will be challenged by the responsibilities of parenthood?
Are you financially in a place in your life to support a child?
According to Lynne Ticknor of Bankrate.com, a recent study of the U.S. Department of Agriculture states that it costs a middle‑income family $250,000+ to raise one child from birth to age seventeen. Of course, the needs of children vary and there are ways to decrease some of the costs or situations involving special needs.
Will you be willing to make needed alterations in your life to support one parent being the full time parent for the first few foundational years? Or find ways that support balanced time for both parents?
If you are in the position to do so, and are considering hiring a nanny or au pair, would you consider hiring a home assistant instead so s/he can do all of the errands and you, the parent, can be with your child? Are you willing to downsize your house or sell one of two cars (for instance)? In my life, my former husband (the father of my daughter) and I made the choice to sell our home in Chapel Hill, N.C. and move to Greensboro, N.C. (an hour away) where the cost of living was less, in order to support me being a full time parent.
Are you prepared for the energy it takes to be on call 24/7? Are you aligned and centered enough to be fully present with your child day and night?
Your energy and time shifts dramatically from you to this little being in your life. You will always have an ear open to hear all that is going on day and night, and you will always have a heightened sense of awareness of your environment when a child becomes a part of your life. That state of mind will be constant for years and consumes energy that otherwise is left in the in your personal reserves.

Caring for a baby and offering aware attention is a demanding job. It is quite important that you make sure that you are emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually prepared and have established support systems. If you are going to be a single parent, as I have been for the past six years, ask your family and friends how they will be willing to participate in supporting you and your child.
Be very specific:

how much child care will be provided?
will someone help with carpooling, grocery shopping or shared meals?

Be clear about what you need and the definitions of expectations. We have socially evolved from tribes in which individuals were interdependent on others to “nuclear families” cut off from community. This development is not healthy for children or parents. Parenting in isolation is a sure way to become overwhelmed and your child will feel the strain.

Parenthood will also alter your primary love relationship. Let me be very clear…it alters the primary relationship…period! There will be a loss of freedom, a loss of spontaneity, alterations in sexual patterns, and alterations in sleep patterns (especially with co‑sleeping, which Aware Parenting promotes). There will be less attention on self and each other as the primary focus becomes your child. Even in the healthiest of relationships these issues can be a challenge. Entering into parenthood creates a powerful opportunity to explore your own psychological patterns and issues as well as exploring the connectedness of your primary relationship. This is a beautiful time to examine your sense of self‑awareness and how it relates to your beloved. What transformational work are you willing to do as an individual and as a couple so you do not pass down unhealthy patterns to your child from your own childhood wounds? I highly support finding great healer/therapists to begin a self‑exploration that will help unearth places in you and or your partnership that need healing. I also recommend doing your own research by reading some of the works of teachers such as John Bradshaw, Elizabeth Noble, Harville Hendrix, Echkhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, and Leslie Bandler.

One of the most important gifts to be able to offer your baby, besides your time and loving attention, is a sound and healthy parental and or primary relationship. Children will unearth your unresolved issues, so I encourage every potential parent to be open for deep, transformational work before bringing a baby into your life. I suggest to you that this exploration will be ongoing and the authenticity of this work will be directly related to the quality of your parent‑child bond and the bond with yourself and your partner.

Parenthood is the most amazing, glorious, respectful, and important space to hold in life, if you so choose it. It requires unbelievable amounts of time, energy, emotional commitment, and presence. The results are more deeply rewarding than you can imagine when parenting is healthy, and more damaging than you anticipate when parents are unprepared. I invite you to honor yourself and the future by being as prepared as possible.

As you read this column, I recommend you begin a journal individually and with your primary partner. A journal is sacred space that will help guide you to your deepest truths, fears, and inner awakenings. A journal can also be passed down to your child/children as a testament of your devotion to parenting and your child. What a lovely gift for the next generations of your family. Journal honest answers to the questions above and feel what comes up for you, even if you fear disappointing yourself or your partner. If you have this concern before your write, you have a tremendous issue to resolve before you bring a child into your home. Have integrity about where you are and where your life is regarding children. It is possible to be well‑prepared or to be poorly prepared; my goal is to help support what well‑prepared looks like. You will then create space with your child that fosters healthy bonding and loving presence. There is nothing like it! I will leave you with a great quote I found.

Enjoy…

"And what a splendid support for your child's wholeness when you will recount to him/her with the smallest details the Great Story of your preparation for him/her: running, singing, praying...months or years before s/he came into the world!"

~Laura Archer Huxley and Piero Ferrucci

by Wendy Mann, BS | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles

Disclaimer: The information in my column is not intended to be a substitute for parents’ own, best judgment or a substitute for medical opinion and treatment.