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Our Experts
The Aware Parent—Febuary 2009
by Wendy Mann, BA | Email
me | www.TheAwareParent.com | Back
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The Aware Parent: Preparing for Adoption
In this month’s column Tracey Turner-Keyser and David Keyser share
Part 2 of their three part series on adoption. They will be my guest
columnists for the next 2 columns holding out their wisdom about issues
families should explore in preparing to welcome a child into their lives
from the adoption process. Both Tracey and David have extensive knowledge
in the area of creating families through adoption and I feel blessed
to have them share their insights with us all.
Enjoy…
Wendy Mann
Once Upon a Time…
by Tracey Turner-Keyser and David Keyser
Once upon a time in a not so far away land a wonderful couple
decided to add to their family by adopting a child. And so many
fairy tales start this way. Adoptions are not fairy tales (and
biological families are not fairy tales either!) and the more
you can remove yourself from the direct, indirect, subliminal,
conscious, and unconscious fantasies of “family” that we latch
hold of through our development from books, movies, experience,
television, etc the more we are increasing the potential for our
family experiences to become fairy tale like when all is said
and done.
This month we attempt to help prepare the potential adoptive parent(s)
by passing along some observations we have made – the good, the
bad, and the ugly – in hopes of decreasing the possibility of
having an exaggerated honeymoon period for the newly adoptive
family. The “honeymoon” period is that time after adoption when
everything seems almost fairy tale like – and then the reality
of things begin to overshadow the romance of family. Below we
offer some more detail on some of what we touched on in last months
article and add some detail that may help in putting the pieces
of an adoptive family together. We recognize that every situation
is unique but what is offered below can work for every potential
family.
The first thing we suggest in your quest for family is to find
a good therapist who specializes in working with adoptive families
or foster care situations. These individuals will be your life
line in times of trouble and doubt and your cheerleader in times
of joy and success. A good therapist should be able to take the
suggestions below and tailor them (or throw them out) depending
on the age of the child you are looking to adopt. A good therapist
should be able to help you clearly articulate your reasons for
adopting, help in building a profile of the child you are seeking,
and can help in evaluation of potential children for goodness
of fit into your family. A good therapist should understand the
potential every child has in the adoptive system for having mild
to severe psycho-trauma issues (regardless of age at adoption).
They should also understand the potential for the adoption process
and the act of building adoptive families to create “micro-trauma”
events for the child as well as the parents and other family members.
Remember that major transitions hold the power of potential trauma
for all involved.
Now that we have gotten our plug in for therapists – let’s get
into the specifics of preparing yourself (some of what follows
is application of “The Four Agreements” by Don Miquel Ruiz that
we mentioned before and we recommend this book to all who read
this) (Note: the age of the child at adoption impacts the application
of many of these suggestions – again, a good therapist can help
in tailoring things to your specific situation).
1. GET EXCITED/HAVE FUN: Just because you
may be looking at adoption from a different perspective do
not let us scare you away from it! It can and will be a rewarding
experience and you are to be admired and recognized for the
path you have chosen. Our suggestions will hopefully, in the
long run, augment this excitement and fun. Getting excited
and having fun in the moment is part of taking care of you.
2. Building Relationship = Building Adoptive Families:
Try to remember your first great memory as a child and family.
You were probably 3 years old or older – it took that long
to build that relationship (another reason for this is that
we are built with crappy memories as infants – we think this
is so, in part, to protect us from remembering all the silliness
and painfulness of our parents learning how to become parents!).
Recall your first romantic crush on someone. The awkwardness,
the anxiety, the doubt. It took time to overcome these and
time to get to know them, and time to find out what you needed
to find out. Relationships need built and that takes time
– give yourself plenty of time to build one of the most important
relationships you will have – that relationship with your
adopted child.
3. Set reasonable expectations and goals:
Clear your mind and sit down together with your therapist
and outline some clear milestones for family building.
4. Be careful in making assumptions of the adopted
child: A good rule in starting out is that if you
have not taught them something they probably do not know it.
This applies to concrete things like the alphabet and counting
and to malleable things like personal hygiene and boundaries
and to abstract things like facial expressions, love, and
happiness.
5. Do not overwhelm the child or yourself:
This is, many times, a tough one to adhere to but a very important
one to understand. The urge to shower your new daughter/son
with everything from things in their room, the newest technologies,
hugs and kisses, special outings, shopping sprees, special
food, etc., is an urge that is best tempered with the knowledge
that slowly building up to these things will have far more
positive impact on the child and the health of the relationship.
Starting off with too much ‘stuff’ can also overwhelm yourself
and set yourself up for not being able to elicit the same
‘highs’ that come with the newness of things. Children being
adopted may think that ‘stuff’ and money is what they want
but what they need is healthy relationship
above anything else. Also, in children with trauma backgrounds,
“stuff” can actually work to achieve the opposite of what
is intended and this can make it tougher to build this primary
relationship. A new child’s room should have the basics –
a bed, a dresser, a mirror, a closet, and maybe a desk. Aside
from this it is fine to add some special things to personalize
it – a couple of basic toys, a wall hanging, a few books.
That’s enough to start with. Familiarity can breed contempt
– hugs and kisses delivered incessantly are not wise. Deliver
hugs and kisses when appropriate and ask for hugs and kisses
when appropriate. Overindulgence in anything is a potential
sabotage to a relationship.
6. Don’t take things personally: Particularly
if your new bundle of joy is of talking age or older know
that the context of their words and the intention behind them
are foreign to you. Ask questions, educate on how certain
words and phrases can be interpreted, educate on how body
language and other forms of non-verbal communication can alter
their perceived intention. Take these opportunities but make
them short and sweet – anything over 2 minutes results in
system overload. Soooo many opportunities to educate and have
some fun with it!
7. Communicate: Communicate with your spouse/significant
other, your therapist, your adopted child, the entire family
(and for specific issues this order of communication is often
best too). Truth in communication is a must. Shy away from
things akin to “sugar coating” or the opposite - “brutal truth”.
Impeccability with your words can be applied here.
Finally, a few words on siblings. We think that the ideal situation
for any child looking to be adopted is to be adopted by a couple
who have no biological children or intention of having biological
children. So – what if there is a biological child or the intention
of having a biological child in the future? For the biological
child already part of your family simply remember to consider
the impact of adoption on them too. Talk to your therapist about
this. We recommend checking in with your therapist at least once
every three months anyway so make sure you discuss the wellbeing
and relationship health of the biological child too. As for the
addition of a biological child to a family with an adopted child
recognize the potential for a unique sibling rivalry/reaction
to the addition. Again, your therapist should be able to help
you with this situation too. Lastly, what about adopting siblings?
That is - adopting two or more children from the same family of
different ages at the same time. We consider this situation to
have high potential for problems. These problems stem from the
effects that trauma has on a group of siblings experiencing similar
traumas and developing a system of survival that is hard to unravel
particularly when kept together. The triggers that each of them
offer the others, the tightness of the bond they have made to
each other (this is tightness – not necessarily healthy bonding),
and the desire to maintain their developmental role in the siblinghood
can, in extreme cases, be completely counterproductive to therapeutic
progress and integration into an adoptive family.
We hope that you are feeling a bit more confident in your approach
to building family. If you don’t treat it like a fairy tale it
just might turn out to be one.
Once upon a time in a not so far away land a wonderful couple
decided to add to their family by adopting a child. They decided
to take it slowly; to educate themselves; to obtain professional
support; to consider the potential trauma effects. They took their
time in meticulously building their family. They took care of
themselves so they were better at caring for others. They led
with their hearts not their emotions. They nurtured relationship.
They laughed, they cried, they loved. They lived happily ever
after.
Remember – the health of any child in any family can only be as
healthy as the health of the relationship of the parents who guide
and love them.
For more information or comments please contact us at admin@Turn-Key.us
or call 919-545-9833.
Suggested resources:
Gregory C., Ph.d. Keck. June 2009. “Parenting Adopted Adolescents: Understanding
and Appreciating Their Journeys”.
Gregory Keck and Regina M. Kupecky. April 2002. “Parenting the Hurt
Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow”.
Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky. May 1998. “Adopting the Hurt
Child: Hope for Families With Special-Needs Kids : A Guide for Parents
and Professionals”
Leslie, Katherine. “When a stranger calls you Mom”, Brand New Day Consulting,
available at www.brandnewdayconsulting.com
ATTACh Organization website: www.ATTACh.org
Trauma Center at Justice Resource Institute, Dr Bessel Van der Kolk
Director, at www.traumacenter.org
by Wendy Mann,
BA | Email me if you questions
or comments | Back to
List of Articles
Disclaimer: The information
in my column is not intended to be a substitute for parents’ own, best
judgment or a substitute for medical opinion and treatment.
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