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The Aware Parent—January 2009

by Wendy Mann, BS | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles

A Sacred Pause

“The future depends on what we do in the present moment.” Mahatma Gandi

In this month's column I am going to slow our journey down a bit. I have invited you to do some very deep, intense, personal, emotional work to help prepare you for welcoming a baby into your lives. With such deep work comes time to pause and tread in the waters of your insights.

A sacred pause is a tool to be used in your everyday life and in your parenting life and can be taught to your child. It is sometimes, mistakenly, referred to as a “time- out”. The difference is that “time-outs” are used as punishments for children (Aware Parenting in no way supports the use of “time-outs” and offers many alternatives that I will explore in later columns) and is used by adults to exit emotionally heated situations to calm down. Calming down is a good thing in the heat of the moment, however, this process generally is about escaping the heat of the emotions and stifling them in the name of “calming down”. A sacred pause is very different in its intent and practice.
A sacred pause is when you chose to suspend an activity and disengage from that moment, no longer having forward movement towards a future goal. It is a suspension of time. You simply discontinue what you were doing… arguing, writing, worrying, obsessing, planning, talking, yelling, hitting- stop and become completely present and feel your feelings. Breathe, breathe deeply (in through your nose and out through your mouth) and just be and feel. When you feel more peaceful, less cluttered, less stagnant, less angry, less violent you can then re-engage the next moment with more awareness and ability to make healthier choices. A sacred pause comes from a place of self-love and respect and love and respect of whomever you are engaged with at that moment.
Using sacred pauses helps disrupt unhealthy patterns we do not want to inflict on our children and partners and ourselves. It allows you to embrace the feelings you are having in the present moment and let them move through you, not be buried in your psyche only to be unleashed at a later date. Incorporate this practice into your day when you are feeling overwhelmed, reactionary, disconnected, angry, ect… A sacred pause supports healing and deeper consciousness. This is a powerful tool that can also be passed down to your child to help her/him heal and understand and feel pent up emotions and feelings and take pause to find a healthier direction to move towards. Within a sacred pause lays deep insight into your feelings and emotions. Taking sacred pauses changes the course of future moments and offers more mindful paths to walk.

I'm now going to hold out to you a guided reflection of the sacred pause for you to explore. This reflection is inspired by Tara Brach’s book “Radical Honesty” which I recommend for your library.

Choose a time when you are involved in an activity such as reading, walking, writing, cooking, drawing…begin pausing for a few moments. Begin by stopping what you are in the middle of, sit and close your eyes. Breathe. In through your nose then exhale and release worries, thoughts and plans you are thinking about doing in your next moments. Release tightness in your body. Feel what surfaces for you. Are you restless, impatient to get back to what you were doing? What sensations do you feel in your body? Does your mind race? Are you irritated? Do you feel happy, joyful, blissed out? Do you feel fear? Are you capable to just be and feel?

Write about this reflection in your pre-parenting/parenting journal. Be open to this taking you into different areas of your mind space and psyche. The more you embrace this practice the easier it will become to pause in those very challenging parental moments. Then less harm will be done from your reactions as you move through parenting. Play with and have fun with sacred pauses.

I will leave you with beautiful words from David Whyte:

Enough. These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.

This opening to life
We have refused
Again and again
Until now.
Until now.

Much peace,
Wendy Mann

by Wendy Mann, BS | Email me if you questions or comments | Back to List of Articles

Disclaimer: The information in my column is not intended to be a substitute for parents’ own, best judgment or a substitute for medical opinion and treatment.